Raging Man-Hater

TW: rape, child sexual abuse

I meant to type this up a few nights ago, but I haven’t been feeling well so a long-form post just wasn’t an appealing idea.

A friend of mine participated in the #ShoutingBack tag on twitter the other night, and I was inspired to do the same. Basically, the idea was for survivors of sexual harassment/assault to let the world know that this is some every day shit, not just a few isolated incidents here and there. It’s pretty powerful stuff. Go check it out.

One of my shout-backs disclosed that I was sexually abused as a child. This was my first public admission of this fact, and I’m pretty sure @misssbelinda is the only person who knew before this tumblr post (btw, shoutout to her for being an amazing support system and running this amazing tumblr for survivors of child sexual abuse and their allies).

I see no reason to go into all the details here, but it’s probably helpful to disclose a few facts:

• Yup, I’ve dealt with this in therapy
• Yes, I’m okay
• I’m still working on not being ashamed/embarrassed about this
• It’s not a secret, but if we’re friends off-tumblr maybe don’t bring it up at a group dinner?

It wasn’t a family member or other adult — my abuser was another child. She was a (slightly older) friend of mine. I believe that she was abused, too, otherwise she would not have known to do that to me. My abuse occurred between ages 6 and 10, but I didn’t recognize it as abuse until much later on.

The abuse stopped because I stopped hanging out with her. I haven’t had contact with her since I was 10. Sometimes I wonder what she’s up to, and I’ve tried to find her on the internet, but girl has her virtual tracks covered.

It’s important for me to “come out” because child sexual abuse is a huge problem in this country, but no one wants to talk about it because of the stigma and shame surrounding the topic. I’m still trying to work through my own shame, but I think Tumblr is a good place to start. Most of you don’t know me IRL, and only a few of the people who do know me actually read this thing.

I’ve always thought it was strange that I have no problem talking about other instances of sexual assault in my life but come to a roadblock with this one. I’m working on tearing down that wall, so, there you have it.

Had a nightmare about being raped. I won’t go into the details because it was ugly and violent and took place somewhere I walk all the time in real life.

I can’t tell if it’s the result of:
-spending so much time being infuriated by Republicans and the way they’ve talked about rape/women in general this election cycle
-getting harassed by MRAs on tumblr who have similar attitudes
or
-just being a woman and knowing in the back of my mind scenarios like this are possible any day of the week. (made worse by the fact that I am already a survivor of sexual assault)

Falling asleep tonight will be fun.

Tonight I am going to Cup of Hope, an open mic night to wrap up NYU’s sexual assault awareness week (they call it Gender Violence Awareness, but I have issues with this and refuse to use that term).

I am really nervous because I have always avoided things like Take Back The Night and this coffee house. This is actually the first year that I’ve ever even stopped to look at the Clothesline Project display.

It’s weird, because I really have no problem talking about my status as a survivor of sexual assault (and I try to talk about it when it’s appropriate and I’m comfortable), because I feel like I can contribute to taking away the stigma/shame that comes with being sexually assaulted. 

But for some reason, the idea of gathering with other survivors and them just knowing by looking at me really freaks me out. There’s also the whole “getting emotional in front of a bunch of people I don’t know” aspect.

Logically, I know this fear only exists because a) societal norms have made experiencing sexual assault a shameful thing; and b) women are conditioned to think they can’t show emotion in public lest they be considered “hysterical.”

Sometimes, it’s possible know one thing logically and feel another thing entirely. This is one of those times.

What happens when both parties are too drunk and sex happens?

bitchesguidetoetiquette:

Discuss. 

I’m basing this on NY state law, which does not prohibit a person from consenting to sex while under the influence of alcohol/other drugs unless the substance was administered to the person without their knowledge or that person was rendered unconscious by said substance.

Look, it’s unrealistic to assume that people are only going to have sex when they’re 100% sober, and it’s not helpful to tell men that they’re raping every time they meet someone at a party and take them home. It’s also not helpful (or correct) to tell women that they forfeit any right to claim they were sexually assaulted as soon as they ingest a substance. There is no black-and-white “you’re a rapist if you do X” or “you can’t claim you were raped if you did y.”

Alcohol and other substances impair judgement. It might make you do things you wouldn’t normally do, more susceptible to being “taken advantage of,” or it might compromise your ability to tell if your partner is entirely into what you’re doing. So here’s what you do:

• Give (and ask for) clear, enthusiastic, verbal consent before the encounter occurs.
• Check in periodically throughout the encounter. Stop if your partner hesitates or says no. Ask your partner to stop if you feel at all uncomfortable. The best part about this one? It can coincide with dirty talk. (“Do you like the way I’m xing your y?”) (“Let’s not do x. But I really want you to do y”)
• When in doubt, stop.

This is a really, really complicated issue. I have known people who have been on both sides of it. I think we can reduce the number of these instances with a little bit of education. Conveniently, next month is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, so I’ll probably be posting about that. :)